Readers discretion: This is based on a true story dated 22^nd June 2017. Contains some vulgar language as it is true account of events.

The greatest lie in sexual dishonesty is that  you will never get caught. This lie is self-propagate. From so deep within. Unfortunately, the truth it that you will always get caught. And most times it is so abhorrent that you can’t deny or escape. We are all called to sexual purity, basing our life on a  calling from above. You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your bodies.

I am seated at Java Westlands undergoing mentorship from four awesome men. In sharpening me they were also sharpening each other in regards to Godly manhood.

As I was receiving my dose of wisdom, there is some commotion in the restaurant.

“Siendi, Mimi siendi,” (Am not leaving)

This policeman who seems to have eaten a good chuck of the pie, tries to drag the now noisy customer. The gun leisurely hanging on the police shoulder becomes an impediment to proper manhandling.

Then comes the famous clause “Wanataka kuniibia” (They want to steal from me).  His attention seeking gimmick is a success. We follow through.

“Akitoka nitafanya kila kitu unataka” (If s/he leave I will do all you want).

This guy in his late forties trying on to hold on to the rails of the gate and throwing tantrums

“Toa gari kwa barabara ndio tuongee.” (Get the car of the road then we can discuss).  Shouts the angry police man.

The traffic was building up along the Westlands road roundabout. The policeman got so agitated that he almost slapped the guy (let’s call him Tim). The onlookers in trying to calm the situation convinced Tim to drive his KBA Toyota Prado off the road into the Java parking. And opens the back right door.

“Sasa mwambieni atoke. Officer wewe mwambie, najua atakuskiza. Tafadhali naomba unitolee.“ (Guys please tell her to leave, Officer she will listen to you. Please get her out for me).

“Mimi namwabiaje ataoke na sikumwingiza kwa gari yako? Kwanza sijui kwanini tunaongelea hii hapa, twende station ukasema kwanini unafanyia hii mambo kwa barabara.”

(How can I tell her to leave your car while I didn’t get here there in the first place. I don’t know why we are discussing this matter here, let us get to the station where you will explain why you we doing it by the road). The police officer rudely responds.

“Mimi hakuna kitu nimefanya na huyu mtu…. “(I have done nothing with her)

“Uongo Umenit*mba” (You have f*cked me.) Busted the lady at the beck sit.

“Anadanganya, mimi sijamgusa, ata mungu anajua” (She’s lying, I didn’t touch her. Even God knows) Tim trying to defend himself.

“Usilete Mungu hapa. Kwanza ata umelewa alafu unat*mba malaya kwa barabara wewe ni mwanaume wa aina gani. “(Don’t bring God into this mess. You are drunk then you are having sex by the road.) Muttered the police.

Tim was now so crushed and vulnerably begging for help. In a very deep accent,

“Aki ukweli, mimi sijamgusa, Ameingia kwa gari tukakosania bei. Akaniambi nimrudishe mahali nilimtoa. Na nikakubali. Nikarudi mpaka mahali tulikua. Akaniambia lazima nimlipe kwa sababu kupotezea wakati. Nikampea giri moja, akakataa, nikampea giri ingine bado akakataa, nikamwongezae giri ingine na bado akataaa.”

(I have not touched her, she got into the car and we disagreed on the fee. She said I return her to the pick-up point which I did. That I should also pay her for time wasting. I gave her three thousand shillings; one after another. She still refused to leave the car.)

“Wewe acha uongo umenit*mba, ata inawaka moto, CD umetumia ata niko nayo” (You have f*cked me, I even have the condom you used) The lady who was now eating bananas just next to where she was seated.

“Aki wanaume nisaidieni. Ata nyinyi mnaelewa hii mambo. Wanaume nisaidieni . Wanume tafadhali mwambieni atoke kwa gari. Mimi sijamfanyia kitu. Mwambieni atoke tafadhali. Angalia Ata anakula mandizi za kwangu.” (guys please help me. You understand this issues. I swear I’ve done nothing to her. My fellow men just convince her to leave my car. She’s even started eating my bananas).

At this point in time I notice he has a ring on his finger. What a shame for a married man of his status. The sentries offer to become correspondents sharing on how this is a cartel and that their way of doing business.

“Huyu hakuna mahali atapelekwa, aongeleshee tu karao vizuri.” (Just talk to the officer ‘nicely’.)

“Mimi nataka tuongelee hapa. Wako pamoja wakitaka kuniibia. Nataka nyinyi wote msikie tunaongelea nini. Wanaume nisaidieni. Si mnionee tu huruma.” (I want us to have the conversation from here. He is cohort with her. I also want you to hear. Guys please help me. Just be sympathetic of my situation.) 

“Wewe ongea na yeye hii stori iishe. Ata tukitaka hatuwezi mtoa kwa nguvu.” (Go have a side chat with him that the only help we can have. We can’t pull her out by force.) one of the sentries advises Tim

After some convincing, Tim mutters  “Nnitaenda lakini msiniache hapa na hawa wawili.”  (I’ll go but please don’t leave me here with them)

They walk about twelve metres from where we were. Eight minutes later, we watch Tim deep his hand in the pocket and hands the officer and. Then they begin walking back to the car.

“Wewe Malaya tebu toka haraka.” the officer commanding the lady who was almost finishing the bananas to leave the car.

She leaves smiling and making fun of Tim. ” Nani mwingine anataka?”  (who else  is willing?)  While doing all sought of gimmick with her private part while hurling insults at us she disappears into the next street. Before leaving the officer decides  to offer Tim a piece of advice,

“Wewe ni mzee, uko na bibi nyumbani hii tabia wacha. Utakufa ukimwi ama ajali. Hii mambo haitaki ukiwa umelewa. Kama tamaa ni mingi tafuta kaschana ukaweke vizuri uwachane na hizi. Enda nyumbani na usishikwe na NTSA kitaumana.” (You are an old man with wife a home, stop this habit. You’ll die of either HIV or an accident.  If your urge is too high, please get a girl sponsor her and then leave this  hooker. Now go home to your wife and ensure you are not arrested by NTSA.)

Tim gets into his car a very vulnerable, dejected and ashamed guy and drives off.

My mentorship for the day ends here. We actually say a prayer and disperse to our different residences.

A snake never slithers in a straight line, its ways are crucked only showing the curves to entices before devouring its prey.